Tag Archives: dating

Hello: A Real Update!

Hey, there. I’m stopping by this place for two reasons. One, I’ve missed it (and all of you) and two, I just had to pay for my hosting and had to make a major decision. Was I ready to quit blogging completely? The answer was no. So I am dipping my toe in. I just want to update you on what’s been going on with me.lifeupdate

I’ve been writing full time which is both super rewarding and also a major hustle. I think that’s one reason this space has been kind of vacant because for so long it was an outlet. And now I am doing the thing I love. But I have realized no matter how much freelancing writing I do, there are some creative parts of blogging (and the community!) that can’t be replaced. And so I decided I just can’t quit you yet.

My building was bought by someone new which forced me to move again. Yeahhhhh. Maybe you’re glad I wasn’t blogging regularly during that time because how many times have y’all heard me complain about moving (many times because I’ve moved many times and it is always the worst). But I am still in Chicago.

I’m in a serious relationship. Surprise! Around this time last year (actually, exactly around this time) my old roomie and bestie forced me to get out there and start dating which I did with gusto. I learned a lot. I even wrote a bit about dating during the election for HelloGiggles. Post election, I was seeing someone kind of regularly…in that we were talking but he lived out of state. He did come visit and it was great. Except it was the weekend after the election and what I had seen as mostly minor political differences before suddenly could not be ignored. I was just…I couldn’t.

A bit later, I was on a random app that a girl at church recommended (Coffee Meets Bagel…honestly I love that app, especially if you are in a city. I also wrote a review about all the apps/sites I tried here).  One of the first guys on there asked to see me that night. He will be called C.

I didn’t want to go. I’m not good at being spontaneous because of my chronic illness. But my roomie/bestie pushed me. And I went. And it was really good. As were our subsequent dates. Then my grandmother fell.

My mom actually moved to take care of my grandparents (my papa passed away two and a half years ago). The only way to get there is either a six-hour drive or an hour flight and then a two-hour car ride. It wasn’t the easiest. But as soon as she fell my bestie/roomie insisted that she make the drive so I could see her. I will forever be grateful for that because I was able to tell her I loved her and talk to her when she was lucid (though she had a very serious brain bleed). Even writing it, it’s hard to fathom that the next morning I left with my friend to go back to Chicago and Granny went into surgery. She never fully woke up again. There was a lot of back and forth and it was just a really hard time. I cannot emphasize how indebted I am to my roomie for driving and insisting I go.

I’m not going to linger on this topic because, honestly, it’s hard. So, please don’t take me skipping around as being flippant.

While all this was going on, C and I had just started seeing one another exclusively. Wow. Talk about a lot for the beginning of a relationship. Because we all know it’s not just losing someone – that’s hard enough – there is other baggage that comes out of the woodwork. And so.

But God has been faithful and good both to me (and us) and also my family. The last couple months (including moving) have been some of the most difficult and rewarding. In that time, I also fostered C’s puppy. We went to Austin to visit his aunt and uncle. I was published in my dream publication. Somehow winter turned to spring here in Chicago which is always one of the best times of the year.

And here we are.

This past year has been full. And that’s one reason I wasn’t here either I suppose. But I also know now that I don’t want to stay away anymore. And so I’ll see you tomorrow. Yes, really.

(follow me on IG/ twitter: @nbwearsflowers)

xo,
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The Truth about Ghosting.

The Truth about Ghosting

For the record, I have said I would never ghost someone. For the record, I also said I would never do online dating. I am online dating. And I have ghosted. I had reasons. So here we are: the truth about ghosting.

But first…

(Please know I am writing this because I was asked too. I want to respect everyone, really. Also, the graphic is not a real conversation…I made it up on a website LOL but is perhaps inspired by real events).

For those of you who did not know what ghosting is, the urban dictionary defines it as: “The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.”

Now, based on that definition, I guess I have not ghosted.

Let me explain. I never thought I would ghost someone because I really do seek to treat people the way I want to be treated. It would hurt my feelings, no matter how invested I was or wasn’t, if someone just ceased talking to me. So I made a policy to never ghost.

But did I mention that I made that policy at a time when I wasn’t really dating, let alone internet dating?

What I have come to understand about internet dating (and, in some cases, dating in general) is that sometimes I have to go with my gut. I am all about meeting sooner rather than later (safely though) (and I should probably do a post on that concept too!) but depending on if they are close or far away, you may not meet them before your gut is telling you: uh oh. I’ve gone on plenty of dates from online dating and even briefly dated someone from it. But in the two cases where I ghosted on purpose, my gut was going off like a car alarm.

Ghosting Case Number One:

Let’s call him Sam. Sam seemed super nice and intentional…at first. We had a skype date after communicating for awhile. He was a couple of minutes late because he wanted to iron his shirt (he confessed with embarrassment to me). This endeared Sam to me. I share these details to show you that Sam was and I am sure, is not, a monster. He appeared sweet and kind. After the skype date, we started to text. This is when things went to a place I was not comfortable.

He started talking to me a lot, including many selfies and pictures of every part of his day…and I do mean every part of his day. This would still not be reason enough to ghost for me, especially with my relatively little experience with internet dating at this point. He started asking me for photos, specific photos. Nothing totally dirty. Sam is a Christian. But when I said no, I will not send you a picture of me in my pjs (!!!), he did not respect my boundaries.

He also started using terms of endearment as soon as we finished with the skype date. Again, this would not be reason enough for me to ghost someone. But when I was really upfront about the fact that it made me uncomfortable because we had only skyped once, he argued with me. Continue reading

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