Yo, here are some Friday Confessions that I puked on to the computer screen. Please take them with a grain of salt. 😉
Confession: The IRS strikes fear in me FOR NO REASON. Because I am the ultimate rule follower. And yet, I cannot think of anything scarier at this exact moment that I am typing. Except ya know, the political climate, health issues friends are dealing with, saying goodbye to a loved one, and actual things that make sense to be scared of.
Confession: I have been in the word daily again (I’ve been so bad at it for months and months and months) and It’s been so fruitful. Like, why do I think I can make it on own…ever? Just wondering. I annoy myself. Often.
Confession: it really annoys me when people drive while doing Instagram Stories or Snapchat. I’m not calling anyone out; but just generally, why are you driving and videoing? I get that some people are parked. But I can see the trees and other cars passing in the window! And I am sure some people live in more rural areas where there are country roads so it isn’t quite what I am imagining as someone who lives in Chicago. But it makes me so nervous, both for the person videotaping and also other people on the road. If it is illegal to text then it should be illegal to do this, even if your phone is attached the dash. But like, I just found out the GOP passed the tax bill in the House so this is all coming out way more intense than it should.
Confession: Getting back into blogging has been harder than expected. I don’t know how I used to post content five days a week. I truly don’t get it. I mean, a lot of my emotional labor is being used right now to not freak out about stuff constantly on the news and so I get it. It’s hard to realize that so much changed for so many of us last November and we are all just dealing. It isn’t even all politics. I can only handle so much when it comes to these men of power abusing women as someone who was abused. It can be too much sometimes.
Confession: I organized the apps on my phone by color while I was sick. It was at the point when you’re just well enough to be bored but still sick enough to be in bed. I like the way it looks and actually, I worried about finding stuff but it’s going okay.
Confession: I decorated for Christmas and I don’t even care. I wrote about why here. It brings me joy. I said to a dear friend the other day, “Jesus and twinkle lights are getting me through.”
Confession: So I thought the worst part of wedding planning would be all the big decisions but it’s not. It’s all the little operational things. It’s finding out from the location how long the aisle is via email so then I can call the florist and tell her. Thankfully, I am so fortunate to have people in my life who either help me or let me vent.
Confession: Still have not registered for the wedding. I’m down to the wire because my mom needs to order shower invites.
Confession: I ate way too much ice cream while sick. Because of my throat, I only ate popsicles, soup, and ice cream. And that isn’t healthy for anyone. So I really need to get it together.
Confession: Acupuncture has been helping my Fibro. So naturally, my acupuncturist is leaving the city for Wisconsin.
This year, not unlike last year, I have found surprising comfort in Christmas traditions including making the Christmas List. Yeah, I get it. It isn’t even Thanksgiving yet. But last year, after the election, my roomie and I could barely pick ourselves up (both literally and figuratively). We struggled hard. In the end, it wasn’t a person or thing that got us off our respective couches but rather Christmas lights, songs, baking, festive jammies, and decorating the apartment. We created the homiest and most cheerful of places to bundle ourselves in and we hoped that some Christmas magic could propel us forward while buffering us from what was going on outside our make-believe snowglobe. And it did in a way. Listening to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” on repeat, we let both the melancholy and yearning in the song move us along like something floating in the ocean.
It wasn’t graceful or perfect. There was no moment where we were better (I’ll let you know when that happens). But honestly, I don’t know what would have happened without those Christmas touchstones we surrounded ourselves with. So I’m doing it again. And from what I see on social media or simply driving down the street, I’m not alone. It seems like a lot of people are immersing themselves as early as possible in the season. That includes gifting. I love giving gifts so much and in my family, we are really asked to provide what we’d like within certain budgets for different people.
I’m not ignoring what’s going on in the world. I can’t. And yes, I’m posting about my Christmas list (it does have affliate links by the way). If nothing else, making it was a brief escape for my mind so I could have enough reserves to engage in the ongoing work. I just want to be super clear that this is not the time to completely avoid hard topics. We all have to engage in whatever ways we can when we can.
1. Letterfolk Felt Boards: This list is in no particular order but I really want this one. Ideally, I’d like the bigger one but also, I like to give price options. So I’d also love the smaller one. I’m digging gray but there is also black and white. Either way, I have just the place to put it.
2. Diorshow Mascara: Yeah, I like an expensive mascara and I swear by it. I typically like to ask for it for Christmas so my family has something to get me that I really use very regularly (I’d say every day but as a writer, I’m not putting on makeup every day…not going to lie to you).
6. Lorac Mega Pro Palette 4: When I was in college I had a Lorac Palette that my mom gifted me for Christmas. It seriously had the perfect colors for me and I kept it way longer than one should until my favorite colors were dust. Since then, I am always on the lookout for that perfect combo of colors in a palette. I didn’t find them until this (and it is on sale). This would literally replace every eyeshadow palette I have. Lorac shadows are also just great. I’m so excited about this and the makeup purge that would happen if I do get it. (For family members reading, I am 99% positive someone bought this for me already so…)
7. Sunday Riley UFO Set: Like I said, I love Sunday Riley. My skin has greatly improved. But I’d love to try this set specifically for acne prone skin (when will the threat of acne leave me?). These kits give you so much product for the money and allow you try someone. I am dying to try a Sunday Riley mask so this one seems ideal for me.
8. Lush Sleep Lotion: This has a cult following. People swear that you put this on and fall asleep 15 minutes later. So I am really hoping Santa puts this in my stocking. (And I also may gift it!).
9. Anthropologie Capri Blue Silver Candle: I don’t think there’s any question that I love this candle. It’s probably the one consistent thing I have talked about since this blog’s inception. Gah. But I love this scent so much. I have been keeping and collecting the jars of these for years (the $28.00 size) and last year when my roomie saw how many I had, she was ready to get the garbage bag. I was like, “No!” When she wanted to know why, I told her I would use them in my wedding. I hadn’t even met C yet and I wasn’t the type to have any picture of what my wedding would even be then! Ha. So now, I just need a few more once I collect from relatives (since getting engaged I have gifted this candle to people and been like, so there’s one catch. Can you give it back to me once you’re done with the candle? How ridic.) I’m so close to having enough for one at each table as a part of the centerpiece look. Plus, again, this is only my favorite scent in the world so I’d love to burn it for the sheer pleasure of that in the house.
Tell me what is on your list because I always have family members demanding I get a list together (which is so sweet) and it’s sometimes hard to come up with things. That’s why as many gift guides that there are this time of year, and yeah, I do get burned out on them, I still find them useful a lot of the time. So yeah, what are you asking Santa for?
Reading:The Body Keeps the Score (an amazing book that is about trauma therapy…it’s fascinating and helpful but fair warning, there might be triggering things inside of it..I’ve been working slowly through it so it’s not too much).
Love & Respect (Carl and I are reading this together or trying to–HA! So far it’s good. I will say it relies heavily on gender stereotypes and sometimes I have an issue with something he writes but the overall concepts are helpful).
Hunger (Roxane Gay is phenomenal and this is an amazing book. It literally has taken my breath away at times.)
As you can see, I am in desperate need of fiction! I don’t think I have gone this long in my entire life without reading fiction so, seriously, I would love some recommendations. I need a gooood story, several in fact.
Buying: Nada. Or rather, not much. I am on a hardcore budget as we go through this financial class. I did buy a possible dress at the Nordstrom’s sale to wear to my cousin’s wedding and C’s cousin’s wedding (where he is standing up).
I also did buy some new skincare products. I’m with holding my thoughts on all the stuff until some time has gone by but if it works, I’ll tell you all about it. I have this fantasy of just magically glowing from my skin. We will see if we can achieve that.
Planning: …a wedding. It’s not my natural forte to do something like this but I am trying to take this one day at a time. I’m writing a post about it soon. Hopefully this week. Actually, hopefully, I write it after I finish this and schedule it for this week.
Hey, there. I’m stopping by this place for two reasons. One, I’ve missed it (and all of you) and two, I just had to pay for my hosting and had to make a major decision. Was I ready to quit blogging completely? The answer was no. So I am dipping my toe in. I just want to update you on what’s been going on with me.
I’ve been writing full time which is both super rewarding and also a major hustle. I think that’s one reason this space has been kind of vacant because for so long it was an outlet. And now I am doing the thing I love. But I have realized no matter how much freelancing writing I do, there are some creative parts of blogging (and the community!) that can’t be replaced. And so I decided I just can’t quit you yet.
My building was bought by someone new which forced me to move again. Yeahhhhh. Maybe you’re glad I wasn’t blogging regularly during that time because how many times have y’all heard me complain about moving (many times because I’ve moved many times and it is always the worst). But I am still in Chicago.
I’m in a serious relationship. Surprise! Around this time last year (actually, exactly around this time) my old roomie and bestie forced me to get out there and start dating which I did with gusto. I learned a lot. I even wrote a bit about dating during the election for HelloGiggles. Post election, I was seeing someone kind of regularly…in that we were talking but he lived out of state. He did come visit and it was great. Except it was the weekend after the election and what I had seen as mostly minor political differences before suddenly could not be ignored. I was just…I couldn’t.
A bit later, I was on a random app that a girl at church recommended (Coffee Meets Bagel…honestly I love that app, especially if you are in a city. I also wrote a review about all the apps/sites I tried here). One of the first guys on there asked to see me that night. He will be called C.
I didn’t want to go. I’m not good at being spontaneous because of my chronic illness. But my roomie/bestie pushed me. And I went. And it was really good. As were our subsequent dates. Then my grandmother fell.
My mom actually moved to take care of my grandparents (my papa passed away two and a half years ago). The only way to get there is either a six-hour drive or an hour flight and then a two-hour car ride. It wasn’t the easiest. But as soon as she fell my bestie/roomie insisted that she make the drive so I could see her. I will forever be grateful for that because I was able to tell her I loved her and talk to her when she was lucid (though she had a very serious brain bleed). Even writing it, it’s hard to fathom that the next morning I left with my friend to go back to Chicago and Granny went into surgery. She never fully woke up again. There was a lot of back and forth and it was just a really hard time. I cannot emphasize how indebted I am to my roomie for driving and insisting I go.
I’m not going to linger on this topic because, honestly, it’s hard. So, please don’t take me skipping around as being flippant.
While all this was going on, C and I had just started seeing one another exclusively. Wow. Talk about a lot for the beginning of a relationship. Because we all know it’s not just losing someone – that’s hard enough – there is other baggage that comes out of the woodwork. And so.
But God has been faithful and good both to me (and us) and also my family. The last couple months (including moving) have been some of the most difficult and rewarding. In that time, I also fostered C’s puppy. We went to Austin to visit his aunt and uncle. I was published in my dream publication. Somehow winter turned to spring here in Chicago which is always one of the best times of the year.
And here we are.
This past year has been full. And that’s one reason I wasn’t here either I suppose. But I also know now that I don’t want to stay away anymore. And so I’ll see you tomorrow. Yes, really.
There were a lot of words I want my 2017 word to represent: perseverance, fearlessness, tenacity, and determination. And I think I’ve finally settled on it: Grit. So bring it on – 2017: The Year of Grit.
For me, it’s a companion and continuation to last year’s choice of “gumption.” I opened myself up. I tried new things. I learned to be vulnerable. Now, I want to be fearless in the face of that vulnerability. Those new things I tried? Things I have wanted to try for so long but just didn’t have the gumption? Now, I am chasing after them with as much grit as possible. Rejection won’t get me down and neither will failure (after all, what is failure? In my book, this year, failure is only not trying).
Grit, girls. It’s a tough world we live in. We are better for having and living with grit and steely eyes. We are not hard, though. It’s possible to be both tough and vulnerable. Sometimes vulnerability is the toughest choice we can make (at least for me). For me, vulnerability is awfully tough and is going to require some grit as I continue on this journey.
So watch out world. I’m coming for you, full of grit. Maybe I’ll fall on my face. Maybe I’ll get hurt. It doesn’t matter like it once did. It’s worth it, the trying. Because you just might get that thing you’ve been dreaming of.