Happy October everyone! Thanks for joining us here at the Wednesday Showcase #68! We can’t wait to see what you share with us this week.
For the record, I have said I would never ghost someone. For the record, I also said I would never do online dating. I am online dating. And I have ghosted. I had reasons. So here we are: the truth about ghosting.
(Please know I am writing this because I was asked too. I want to respect everyone, really. Also, the graphic is not a real conversation…I made it up on a website LOL but is perhaps inspired by real events).
For those of you who did not know what ghosting is, the urban dictionary defines it as: “The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.”
Now, based on that definition, I guess I have not ghosted.
Let me explain. I never thought I would ghost someone because I really do seek to treat people the way I want to be treated. It would hurt my feelings, no matter how invested I was or wasn’t, if someone just ceased talking to me. So I made a policy to never ghost.
But did I mention that I made that policy at a time when I wasn’t really dating, let alone internet dating?
What I have come to understand about internet dating (and, in some cases, dating in general) is that sometimes I have to go with my gut. I am all about meeting sooner rather than later (safely though) (and I should probably do a post on that concept too!) but depending on if they are close or far away, you may not meet them before your gut is telling you: uh oh. I’ve gone on plenty of dates from online dating and even briefly dated someone from it. But in the two cases where I ghosted on purpose, my gut was going off like a car alarm.
Ghosting Case Number One:
Let’s call him Sam. Sam seemed super nice and intentional…at first. We had a skype date after communicating for awhile. He was a couple of minutes late because he wanted to iron his shirt (he confessed with embarrassment to me). This endeared Sam to me. I share these details to show you that Sam was and I am sure, is not, a monster. He appeared sweet and kind. After the skype date, we started to text. This is when things went to a place I was not comfortable.
He started talking to me a lot, including many selfies and pictures of every part of his day…and I do mean every part of his day. This would still not be reason enough to ghost for me, especially with my relatively little experience with internet dating at this point. He started asking me for photos, specific photos. Nothing totally dirty. Sam is a Christian. But when I said no, I will not send you a picture of me in my pjs (!!!), he did not respect my boundaries.
He also started using terms of endearment as soon as we finished with the skype date. Again, this would not be reason enough for me to ghost someone. But when I was really upfront about the fact that it made me uncomfortable because we had only skyped once, he argued with me. [Read more…]
Since online dating, I have ghosted people. I should probably do a longer post on this because I never thought I would ever ghost someone. It seemed mean and cold hearted and I would never want to be ghosted and so we should treat others the way we want to be treated, right? Well, like my pops says: firm in principle, flexible in practice. Online dating ia a new frontier for me. I’m not going to lie about it. And for the most part, it has been great because I have learned so much about myself, how I view the world and relationships, even God. But there were a handful of occasions where ghosting was necessary. Let me just say: it was not because it was the easy way out. It was the only way out. Again, I should probably do a post about this.
I sometimes have insomnia. I am pretty sure that isn’t news. Ask me anything about Brexit because when that was happening I was not sleeping at all and just followed British news all night, erry night. This past weekend though? I could not sleep enough. I am still feeling a little more tired than normal but a lot better because, this weekend, I was pretty sure I was becoming a zombie.
I having been doing the sugar-free, gluten-free Candida diet since late July/early August. It isn’t about losing weight. It helps with chronic pain by killing or decreasing the amount of yeast we all have in our bodies (from antibiotics and other things). I did it before when I was first diagnosed with my chronic condition and it made a world of difference. I am in a different place healthwise starting out this time but again, I am so thankful that I can treat food as medicine. I really am determined that this be a true lifestyle change for me this time!
I am looking forward to Fall BUT I am not looking forward to a lack of sunlight. When it gets dark at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, I slowly lose to will to go on. But like, I am going to focus on my very basic pumpkin spice greek yogurt (since I can’t have the lattè…See number three).
Got a confession for me?
There are lots of things I’d love to write about: how I had this huge realization about heartbreak via Adele (not a recent heartbreak, just heartbreak in general), kindness and apologies, info on the Candida Diet (Diet is a misleading word…It’s a way of eating if you have a chronic condition that helps with pain management…I have done it before and I am doing it again and maybe it could help someone else?), some current events stuff (but also like, I am fine with giving my 140 character thoughts on this on Twitter), some healthy recipes I created out of necessity, writing tools that have been so helpful to me, ghostwriting life, how I learned to finally relax (kind of),and other stuff too but I mean this list is long enough and general enough to be annoying.
God’s been teaching me a lot lately but I have to say, the way he is teaching me is a bit excruciating. The biggest thing? I’m learning how to depend on my every need but apparently, in order to learn this, I had to wait for the IRS to pay me my refund (I’m still waiting) and have finances be incredibly tight. I have no problem admitting that even though I have been doing the Freelance life for over a year, I am still trying to figure out balancing my clients with my pricing and the hours I put in. My bank account is…Let’s just say, every time I look at it, I have to pray. I could probably expand on it but I want to be careful in how I talk about it.
A lot of my clients are small businesses and because the way I grew up, I have such a heart for them and want to give them the best deal. So I am still figuring that out. I have also always had a bit of a cushion–savings–and I went through it to start the business and so this is the first time where every month, I think: I don’t know how this is going to happen. If a client’s check is late, what will happen? And then I pray again. I understand there are worse problems (my nonna would say, “It’s not cancer” and she would be right). But it’s teaching me a lot, albeit painfully.
(I have to note I’m also in a legal battle to actually get payment from a settlement from a former employer. It was a class action lawsuit and the lawyers are withholding the money that was already awarded. I think that is as many details as I can give. I honestly don’t know which way it will go. Let’s just say I’m not counting on that money).
Guys, I know one thing I haven’t told you that I’ve been doing: online dating! I haven’t told you not out of embarrassment (I only say this because even last year it would have been embarrassing) but out of respect for the other people involved. Still figuring out what I can tell you because let me just say, there are things I do want to tell you. But respect. And back to kindness. You’ll never regret kindness.
I don’t know if this was at all interesting. Give me some time. Dipping my toe in…
P.S. If you feel so inclined, pray for Italy. And maybe I will get some crap for this because there is so much going on in the world and I don’t ask for prayers for everything (Trust me, I do follow it all and pray on my own). I was genuinely worried for my family (got word they are all good). If you want to be specific, pray for the region of Umbria. Half of my heart is always in Italy so…